I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
