I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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