he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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