i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
