she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
