Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
