Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
