just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
