new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
