Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
