We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
