I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
