She is in my trunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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