the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
