I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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