I think my vagina is haunted
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
