Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
