i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
