Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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