I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
