There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
