he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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