I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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