Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
