dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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