somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
