i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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