This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
