Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
