Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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