That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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