She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
