I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
