Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
