I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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