Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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