Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
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He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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