Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
