She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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