Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
