umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
