i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
