I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
