they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.