Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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