so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
