And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
