Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
