I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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