it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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