There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
