You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
