hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
