Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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