Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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