That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
