I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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