I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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