But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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