My sheets look like a crime scene.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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