i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's just like the Real World with babies
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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