I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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